LACK OF BOTTOM FABULOUSNESS

YOUR DIARY

Date - today

Weight – too bad to put in print

Boyfriends - 0

Initial thoughts about bottom – flabby, heading south at a ridiculous rate of knots, with dimples reminiscent of huge and grotesquely pitted orange.

Preferred thoughts about bottom – smooth as a babies, with the delicious firmness of a ripe peach.

What will make me feel better about my current lack of bottom fabulousness – a meal consisting entirely of chocolate and a bottle of red  . . .

for medicinal purposes only, as I am currently in need of feeding off – rather than fending off – my displeasure at my backsides alarmingly increasing girth . . .

 and drowning my disappointment in once again falling short of measuring up to – or should that be down to – Terri Hatcher.

NOTE TO SELF:    Why do I do this when I know I will afford myself an extra large helping of the guilts, post my extra large helping of indulgence, which in turn will lead to an additional depressive state of uninhibited consumption.  Wonder if heavenly thoughts on becoming a nun will negate feelings about bottom and desire for food.

FURTHER NOTE TO SELF:  100 sit ups and 1 hour of jogging required each day for the next 7 days to reverse the inevitable symptom of above consumption.

. . . . . . .

I once saw a write up about Bridget Jones that described her as a ‘fictional character whose inner dialogue includes a good deal of swearing and self doubt, intermingled with ruminations about needing a good shag’ - and I am going to add into that a self punisher, who is stuck on a neverending cycle of eat, workout to remove calories, eat, workout . . . . . . (well you get the picture).

And what's up with the fictional character??  not that I claim to be any sort of psychic or anything, but I know there are one or two of you out there thinking ‘thats me’ . . .                                                   I can see it in your eyes.

Are you a woman (or blokette so you don't feel snubbed) who is really good at whining about being unattractive (or handsome if you are the blokette) and unfit, rather than taking appropriate action??

Do you eat because you feel bad, then feel bad because of the eating so you exercise, then notice you still haven't gotten any fitter or slimmer (because really all you exercised for was to remove your last calorie load), so you feel bad . . . and binge . . .

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS . . .

Your exercise should be about improving health, fitness and quality of life . . . so you can keep up with the kids, haul a rock or two around the garden, spend the day remodelling your house, and looking more fabulous than the overly snobby tart down the road that refuses to acknowledge you

. . .  (no, I did not just say that about some non-existent person down the road, unless you have a recording, I will completely deny it!) . . . what I said was looking fabulous for yourself . . .

it should not be a punishment for excessive calorific consumption.  And sometimes, just sometimes . . .

if we exercise for these reasons, it can follow that we begin to eat for these reasons aswell . . .

Well now - ain't that grand . . .

Now go forth my pretties and begin to re-write your diary entries . . . I know you can