NUMBER 1 WEIGHTLOSS TOOL

YES LOVALIES  -  YOU’RE FAT BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WEARING MASCARA!

Honey, we need to talk . . .   don’t worry, I’m not breaking up with you J

*Note*  If you’ve been held hostage by a team full of Sonny Bill Williams lookalikes, who want to feed you grapes all day (go you! – but please remove yourself from my dream) . . . . . then it is likely this blog will not apply to you. (For anyone outside of NZ, I suggest you google that name for an accurate mental pic).

If however, you are like a good portion of my clients, who tend to describe themselves as drab, frumpy, cartoonish, blobby – and other variations of all those negative descriptive words . . .

Then pay heed!

One of the reasons for your squidgyness (yes, I said ONE of the reasons . . . that means it’s not the only one . . . just a contributing one, an additional source of, a donator to the cause even . . . but not the only one) . . .

Is you ain’t dressing up all spunky like!

(I should state that Spunky is a NZism, possibly an Aussie-ism also, for being all funky and with-it, and having a bit of attitude that makes people want some of what you got).

So one of the things my weightloss clients do, usually fairly on in the piece, is do a wardrobe cull.

So here’s how I do it – but feel free to amp it up to make this work for you . . .

1.        Put on some music that makes you move like Jagger (minus the joobie lips that I recon would flap around in the wind like a dogs do, if he stuck his head out the car window).

2.       Have a wine – this is designed to be a little fun (if you’re like me and not much of a drinker, then this step is optional), and put on your flashest under-things (not so optional, unless you're into the free n breezy thing)

3.       Put on some make-up.  A'ha – I said ‘doll you’re face up a little’.  I’ve done this both with and without the pretty powdery stuff, and ya know what???   While everyone that knows me, will tell you I’m not a wear it all the time, or plaster it on type of gal . . . I find it makes a huge difference to the way I feel about myself . . . and to the way I feel in an outfit . . . so whadoyaknow – the stuff has it’s uses!

4.       Go through your wardrobe – and put everything that you recall wearing, that makes you feel less than a hot tamale, in a donation bag  (just because that item doesn’t do much for you, does not mean that someone else can’t do with it)

-          Oi,  don’t even think about trying them on again now to check!  You’ve worn them before and you’ve felt frumpy, don’t give them a chance to attack your self esteem any further, ditch them now!

5.       Have another wine (again optional, we’re not trying to turn you into a lush)

6.       Begin to try on your clothes – anything that’s too big, in the donation bag (you ain’t going to be needing those items again!)

7.       Move anything that’s too small to one side – you can try these clothes every couple of weeks or monthly to see which items you can now move into the ‘wearables’ side

8.       Now you can have a party with the clothes you have available – try new combinations, different jewellery and shoes with each – try and find two or three different ways of wearing each thing – I bet you’ll be surprised at what you come up with

9.       Call in your man and show off the new, more confident version of you

10.   Ummm – do what comes naturally . . .  

         yes, get him to take you out!

*Note Numero Deux*  (see you’re even beginning to talk all French and sophisticated) – this also applies to the clothes you wear to exercise in!!!

So, have you figured out my point??  Have ya?

Well my point (for those not quite so quick on the uptake) is, when you look good, no matter what you’re current size or state of fitness or health, you are more inclined to want to do things that make you feel even better, or you put more effort into feeling better . . .

So you do things like exercise more and eat healthier . . . or you exercise harder when you don’t wear your old daggy clothes . . . and while I don’t know if any scientifical studies have been done to prove this . . .

I have plenty of clients that can attest to my speaking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Sonny Bill

So, like some fashionista has said “don’t you be going nowhere without you’re mascara girl” – ok so they probably didn’t say it quite like that . . . but from now on, when you get up in the morning, do yourself a favour and put on the clothes and face that make you feel goooooood.

Oh, and just so we're not breaching anything, the mascara image I used in our pic came from asianscent.com - thanks ladesses :-)

Yo FAT - you a SIN!

Yo, you

Wots that you sayin! – you sayin if I’za fat then I don’t love ma Jesus?!

No, that’s not what I’za sayin! – because if you’re reacting like that, then you likely be a big mama, and Im slightly fearful of an ass-whippin.    

And if you’re saying it the way it just sounded in my head, then even being all the ways over in little ol New Zealand, ain’t gonna save me . . .

But, I shall continue, because I have something important to say dammit!

Fact # 1 mamapyjama is

 – this aint no religious blog  . . .  because it seems to me, no matter which religion you subscribe to, or whether you subscribe to one at all . . .

Your body is a pretty a-may-zing piece of machinery (even if it is currently in an abused state).  Yup, if you’re fat – I think in some way, you’re abusing your body . . .  oh, my lord, I can see your blood boiling from here!

OK sista, settle down . . .

Maybe you’ve tried lots of different things.  It may be you’re intentions are good, but due to misinformation, or the fact that you haven’t been taught how to accurately assess, if what you are trying is right for you, that it’s all gone face first in some pie.

Fact # 2 is

– whatever theory you subscribe to about how you came to be . . . you have everything at your disposal, to utilise your body the way (if you’re honest with yourself), it was intended. 

Yes, you was given legs to allow you to run and jump! – done any of that lately?  There’s plenty of healthy food around, and it takes just as much effort to get that, as it does to go down to McKFC or Wendys, or whatever else isn't actually nourishing you.

It doesn’t take much to honour your body with a little bit of movement and healthy food each day – now does it?!  (That is both a statement as in me making a point, and a question, because I want you to actually answer it)

So yes I am saying, FAT thinking  . . . as in ya gotta die of somethin, I wants to be enjoy me my life, not be worryin about all that disease and stuff

And, FAT eating . . . as in Im gonna eat whenever and whatever I want, my weight aint got nothing to do with that

And, FAT doing . . . as in Im gonna sit and watch tv as much and as long as I want, all that runnin around is for them sports kids

Is a SIN people – yup a sinny, sin, sin!!

So start treating your body like a temple – instead of just going someplace nice to worship, be someplace nice aswell, you do after all have you take YOU, everywhere YOU go.

Treat your body with the respect you treat your church, or if you don’t go to one, how you imagine you might treat something that demands a certain level of reverence.

If you’re confused, or feel you have tried everything, I’m only an email or a call away to rescue you – kinda like a Health 911, or 111 or whatever emergency number is – as long as you speak English or some version of it, Im good to go – yes, even if you’re American or Australian, we love you really.  Go on, do it . . .

Do it . . .

Do it . . .  call, or email – Ima here with your health bible ready to roll. . .  you’ll see if you look at www.healthcoaching.co.nz

Oh I had a final thought (thank cripes for that I hear ya sayin) – now, now mama taught you to be nice!  And this be what it is:

How are you going to answer if one of the questions at the pearly gates, or the 9^th house of whatever is

“Child, why did you not do for your body, and with your body, what I intended?”

LACK OF BOTTOM FABULOUSNESS

YOUR DIARY

Date - today

Weight – too bad to put in print

Boyfriends - 0

Initial thoughts about bottom – flabby, heading south at a ridiculous rate of knots, with dimples reminiscent of huge and grotesquely pitted orange.

Preferred thoughts about bottom – smooth as a babies, with the delicious firmness of a ripe peach.

What will make me feel better about my current lack of bottom fabulousness – a meal consisting entirely of chocolate and a bottle of red  . . .

for medicinal purposes only, as I am currently in need of feeding off – rather than fending off – my displeasure at my backsides alarmingly increasing girth . . .

 and drowning my disappointment in once again falling short of measuring up to – or should that be down to – Terri Hatcher.

NOTE TO SELF:    Why do I do this when I know I will afford myself an extra large helping of the guilts, post my extra large helping of indulgence, which in turn will lead to an additional depressive state of uninhibited consumption.  Wonder if heavenly thoughts on becoming a nun will negate feelings about bottom and desire for food.

FURTHER NOTE TO SELF:  100 sit ups and 1 hour of jogging required each day for the next 7 days to reverse the inevitable symptom of above consumption.

. . . . . . .

I once saw a write up about Bridget Jones that described her as a ‘fictional character whose inner dialogue includes a good deal of swearing and self doubt, intermingled with ruminations about needing a good shag’ - and I am going to add into that a self punisher, who is stuck on a neverending cycle of eat, workout to remove calories, eat, workout . . . . . . (well you get the picture).

And what's up with the fictional character??  not that I claim to be any sort of psychic or anything, but I know there are one or two of you out there thinking ‘thats me’ . . .                                                   I can see it in your eyes.

Are you a woman (or blokette so you don't feel snubbed) who is really good at whining about being unattractive (or handsome if you are the blokette) and unfit, rather than taking appropriate action??

Do you eat because you feel bad, then feel bad because of the eating so you exercise, then notice you still haven't gotten any fitter or slimmer (because really all you exercised for was to remove your last calorie load), so you feel bad . . . and binge . . .

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS . . .

Your exercise should be about improving health, fitness and quality of life . . . so you can keep up with the kids, haul a rock or two around the garden, spend the day remodelling your house, and looking more fabulous than the overly snobby tart down the road that refuses to acknowledge you

. . .  (no, I did not just say that about some non-existent person down the road, unless you have a recording, I will completely deny it!) . . . what I said was looking fabulous for yourself . . .

it should not be a punishment for excessive calorific consumption.  And sometimes, just sometimes . . .

if we exercise for these reasons, it can follow that we begin to eat for these reasons aswell . . .

Well now - ain't that grand . . .

Now go forth my pretties and begin to re-write your diary entries . . . I know you can

TURNING 40 - LEADS TO OVARY ALZHEIMERS!

So I've gone and done it - yup I went and turned all 40ish and this is the upshot of my favourite card.

Apparently 40 is some sort of coming of age . . . (cue confetti, streamers and big band music!!)

. . .  you know the age when you've got all your shite together, your ducks are all neatly in a row, and you've achieved grace, smarts and fortune - like Carrie from Sex and the City . . . except I'm Rachael from New Zealand.

It's the age when you feel great because the 20 somethin at the bar next to you appears to be doing a bit of a shuffle your way, so you congratulate yourself on how hot you must look, and then you realise he's adjusting those low rider type jeans that us 40 somethins will just never understand (really, how will he not catch his death from a chill without something covering his kidneys???)

 . . .  and you wonder if you are now completely relegated to your 80 year old stalker (more on that another day) . . .

and anyways you 20 somethins that I'm going to pretend were really shufflin towards me, I'm now old enough to be your mother . . .
your slightly older babysitter!!

It's the age when you gasp out loud and yell    Nooooooooooo not a chinny, chin, chin hair!! . . .
and you almost run out into the street in full on nana knickers to flag down help, before you realise it's actually just an eyelash.
Note to self - invest in decent gruts for times of intense panic, when running into street in underwear is obviously inevitable.

But what really guts me, is that according to all the wonderous medical literature we have, the next 'big' thing for me will be menopause!!

Yes - while it should be a few years away yet, my next life stage is bascially when my reproductive system begins to go senile . . .

it will begin to forget things . . .  like ovulating regularly . . .

and my genitourinary system will begin to atrophy . . .

I feel I should start a support group - you know, where all the shrivelling wombs and fallopian tubes can play indoor bowls and sing country hits from the 60s together.

. . .  and so, according to the medical literature . . .  the womb geriatric phase is nigh!!

Why, oh why, why, why are you going on about Menopause when you've only just hit 40!! I hear a few of you screaming.

Cool it tinkerbell, Im a health coach, you'd be surprised at how regularly the subject seems to come up if you're 40(ish).

Yes there is a wee point to my ravings . . .

If you are actually symptomatic and it's not merely a case of 'I've read too much on the subject and every symptom appears as I read about it' - start doing getting some care, whether that be medical or natural, that works for you, to help you through said Ovary Alzheimers.
Nope, you can't stop it, and ya can't cure it (why does a natural process need to be cured I ask) . . . but you can be assisted to make the most of living with it.

Personally, I feel like I've got quite a lot of time before I start ranting
body - I just don't know you anymore!

and Im more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been before, I like what I look like, what my body is still capable of doing physically, how I have the ability to help other people through my work . . .

please remember I share this about myself not to make you feel bad, just to let you know how truly awesome I really am . . .

and that turning 40 is a time to take stock of where you're at, and determine that you are going to go through to your 50th enjoying life, because you're smarter now, enjoying the fact that if you put some work in - you can be just as fit and strong as you were at 30 (yes proven factoid!) . . .

and celebrate that you know what you got is all kinds of spunky (spunky is a good thing in this part of the world)

 . . .  and so I shall leave you, until the next blog-week  . . .
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me-eeeeeeeeee, happy birthday to me