INCIDENTAL EXERCISE - What is it?

So, by now you may have figured that I have some faults:

I am not a literal user of the word ‘literally’

I don’t have the kind of smarty pants that allow me to be funny yet irreverent – I just do funny and sarky . . .  I blame my father, I was genetically engineered that way

I am a jug over-boilerer (kettle if you’re in another part of the world) -  yes, I turn it on to make me a cuppa and get caught up doing something else, so I have to re-boil, and while Im waiting, I go do something else . . . well, you get the picture.  No, it’s not Alzheimers (no need for you to be a smart arse aswell) . .  Im just easily distracted (no ADHD quips either!)

And I don’t go in for the – this is what we have determined this sentiment/instruction/concept/whateverelseyouwannaadd to mean . . . so that is how it has to be done ethos 

(I never promised coherence, just info  . . . bear with, it will all become as clear as a grey days sunshine)

Take INCIDENTAL EXERCISE for instance.

If you are on the blobby side (ie. If your back fat keeps moving when you’ve already stopped), then upping  your Incidental exercise quota is a good way of increasing calorie burn.

A lot of people talk about everyday activities like the vacuuming and dusting being Incidental Exercise.  Ummmmm, find me a yellow brick road, call me a scarecrow and find my missing brain . . . but shouldn’t you be doing your chores anyway???  Or if you’re like me, you prefer someone else coming in and dealing with the dirt (I fully believe some people have a calling to dust and polish, and I feel it is only fair to assist them in fulfilling that calling).    (ssssshhhhhhh, more on a wee you tube clip on this to come).

Or they will suggest taking the stairs instead of the lift – yes, that’s a good one, and pretty much a no brainer.

How about parking your car further from the entrance of the supermarket?

Say what???

The problem I have with this kind of stuff, is that unless you’re the size of a heifer that’s about to calf (for non country folks – that’s a big cow that’s about to give birth . . . see dictionary entry for humungous), then this type of stuff ‘aint gonna do a dang thing’ . . .

 . . . or you’re simply not going to do a lot of it.

I can hear you now – “really, park my vehicle farther from my deli, what ridiculousness!  What should happen if precipitation doest occur, whilst I am acquiring the perfect piece of Gouda.  Whatever would become of my up-do if I was forced to depart said deli, for my vehicle, in a haze of rain?”

But, wait for it . . .

 . . .

. . . (believe me, this is worthy of a long pause) . . .

I’m going to help you lose weight while you watch TV!!  Yes, I is!!!  I am so genius sometimes I scare myself!!!!

And here is how:

Take you’re fav TV show, and develop a wee system, where when certain things happen in said show, you do a certain exercise . .

A little like this . . .

 

Yes, everyone needs a little Revenge adventure in their lives.

Pick exercises that you are capable of doing, and a number of repetitions that won’t be too difficult – or make it something just plain old fun  -  you could do 10 bootay circles zumba styles for one lot, or 20 running mans  LMAO – Shufflin styles . . .

. . . remember this isn’t your daily work-out, it’s just something to help increase your calorie expenditure, (besides, you probably don’t want to be exercising for the entire hour of your Revenge fix, when there's a certain gorgeous bar-man to be looking at).

Have your work-out print-out sitting right next to you on the couch, so there’s no escaping from it . . . and then go about following it!  (clue - this is the important part).

The beauty of this, is that you can utilise the idea for any television program, film or even a book you might be reading.

When you get to the stage where you want to up-the-ante a little, put in the odd AB-break (that’s where you do a few crunches during the ads) . . . *sighs* genius!

. . . and yellow brick road to a less podgier you, here you come!

So, that’s my Incidental Exercise – Revenge styles . . .

Of course, there are a few other things that I believe count towards Incidental exercise aswell . . .

You know, like table-top dancing whilst singing ‘Moves like Jagger’  (ohhhhh Maroon 5, *drools*) . . . but I don’t do that . . .

Really I don’t!


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I'VE BEEN INTERNALISING A REALLY COMPLICATED SITUATION IN MY HEAD

WELL ACTUALLY, IVE BEEN INTERNALISING YOUR REALLY COMPLICATED SITUATION IN MY HEAD

Therefore, today’s blog is brought to you by the letter ‘Uuuuugggghhh’

No, it’s not displeasure at a loved one, a rainy day, and PMS all joining forces to create a Perfect Storm (though I’m sure it does happen occasionally).

What has been stressing me so, little one . . . .

Is YOU . . .  yes, you my child

 . . . and how I can help you get your shite (because it would be rude to say the other word) together.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GETTING _______________’S   (insert name) SHITE TOGETHER

1.       Get some paper and a pen   -  go on, I’ll wait, it’s not like I’ve got man here wanting to ravage me (oh, poo I think I said that out loud) – although the nearly 80 yr old stalker did make another appearance last week (ego only very slightly re-inflated)  - lordy, best you hurry up, before I tell you more of my life story  -

2.       Write down one thing that you AREN’T doing in your life, that is making you feel all loserly

3.       Yes, I know, you in particular have more than one thing, so write a list of all the things you are not doing, that are making you feel loserly  (NOTE – these do not have to be health related)

4.       If you did write a list, stop getting all worked up about choosing one.  Put the piece of paper in front of you, close your eyes and drop your pen on the page, where it made a mark is the one you choose  -  like you did in the phone book when you were a teenager before you made a crank call

5.       Turn your ‘thing’ into a project by giving it a name (the following is inspired by my new friends at Cougar Fitness in New York)   – Something like  OPERATION COUGAR  - I prefer Operation to Mission, mainly because when I say mission, the word ‘impossible’ comes immediately to mind, and ‘mission’ just sounds hard      

NOTE TO EVERYONE   . . .   did you see what my clever self just did there, did you???   

I went and made you give birth to an idea, that you now have full ownership of.  It is your newest ‘baby’ – and just like a real baby, you are not allowed to leave it to fend for itself . . . YOU have to help it grow  . . . see genius! 

I have it on good authority that I am actually a genius.  Because in my former life as a police osafa (yes, I’m drunk), one of those criminal types said to me “Chur, you smart as Miss” – I’m thinking of putting it on my business card!

6.       Write down one action that you have to take, and are going to take, in the next 24 hours to 7 days (time frame will be ‘operation’ dependent), to move you towards that goal.  An example utilising Operation Cougar as our start point might be:

Replace all sensible shoes & ‘appropriate’ blouses with a nose stud, bangin stiletto heeled boots and skin tight t-shirts  I did just say it was an example!

7.       Now,  pretend that my ‘smart as’ self is sitting right there next to you . . . and I have a magic wand that allows me to say exactly what you need to hear, to encourage you in your quest for Cougar-ness (or whatever it may be), and write down what I just said, so you can refer to it often

8.       On a daily basis, repeat #6 until said Operation is complete, and Operation Commander (that’s you) is happy with outcome.

9.       Comment back to me with accolades of my genius (so I don’t run out of things to put on my business card)

Ohhh – special announcement!  I’m all over this Pinterest thing – you can follow me here http://pinterest.com/healthcoaching/

And if you want to see where the quote in the pic came from watch here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4E1cfOE7P4

HOW TO LOSE BABY WEIGHT - AAA

Our first AAA (Ask, Answer & Attitude) session!!

High 5's, fist pumps & chest bumps all around - (and a wee shot glass of something yummy on the side)!

Thanks to 2012 is your year for our ask 

- yes its about losing baby weight (duh - read the title!)
- no its not a real baby, my buns in the oven days are over!

Much love - hugs and snogs to ya - and if you're so inclined a spunky Sweedish Masseuse to unknot all your knotty bits  :-)

5 STEPS TO AVOIDING TEMPTATION (& other health bad-assery stuff)

So it’s been a week my lovalies . . .

I’ve trained . . .

I’ve eaten some good food (and just a little of the not so good food) . . . nope, not gonna pretend Im flawless . . . just real, and tell it like it is.

Do I beat myself up for having some crappy food, nope . . . do I give a rats if others criticise me for it, nope (they are obviously people with far too much time and far too few friends) . . .

But I know that YOU beat yourself up over the stumbles, and I know YOU tend to write off the whole day if you had a bad morning – yes, I am pointing at yoouuuu, (and pretending to hide behind a book when you’re reading a blog aimed directly at you, isn’t going to help).

So today we are going to do a wee role-play, visualisation styles thingy, to help you deal to temptation, where you are going to be all superhero, and deal to the bad thoughts and actions with a deft karate chop, before powering off into the sunset with buns of steel. 

According to some smarty-pants with a Doctorate in cartoonology somewhere, broad interpretations of the superhero genre include characters with superhuman powers as well as masked vigilantes, who fight crime with their wits, fists and guns, while concealing their identities with only a mask, hat and coat.

For this exercise you don’t necessarily need the mask, hat and coat – unless you want to go all out - - - I know people that will be getting the Star Wars Light Sabres out . . . it’s your roll play, you just choose whatever threads make you feel all heroish.  But at the very least, find yourself something that will suffice for ‘Big Girl Knickers’ and stick em on.

Why Big Girl Knickers (hereinafter to be referred to as BGK’s)?  Because they are what you are going to pull on, (literally or not), to put you in Battle Girl mode, to fight them nasty health villains.  They represent your game face, your ‘Im gonna take you on and win’ attitude, your irrepressible health-villain busting persona.

TO THE BATCAR  INSTRUCTIONS ROBIN  (insert own name here)

#1:  Put on your BGK’s.

Yes, over your jeans – superheros wear their undies on the outside!

(What will determine whether you are doing a role-play or a visualisation with this exercise, is whether or not you actually put on the gruts and roll around on the floor during the fight scenes, or whether you simply imagine them in your head).

#2:  Determine what your health villains are (e.g  cake hypnotising you until you gorge in submission, busy-ness interrupting your plans to exercise, a bad morning that you are going to let ruin your whole day . . . the list goes on)

#3:  See your health villain in front of you, taunting you the way it does . . . then kapow it, bam it, bruce-lee it, and wrestle it until it capitulates and runs off crying

#4:  Pick yourself up and dust yourself off to dramatic movie styles music

#5:  Go do your exercise, or bypass that cake or whatever it is you can now do, because *drum roll please* - you have won, you have beaten that demon, and you now know you can do it again and again.

So, anytime you feel a health villain lurking – put your BGK’s on and fight for your right to a healthy you – fly above the food, the time sappers, the ‘Ive had a bad morning’ – you can rise to a healthier you, I know you can – I’ve seen you in the movies  J

PS:   So not to be not getting anyones actual BGK's in a knot, the cartoon in our pic came from herstorynetwork.com.  Thanks peeps.

NUMBER 1 WEIGHTLOSS TOOL

YES LOVALIES  -  YOU’RE FAT BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WEARING MASCARA!

Honey, we need to talk . . .   don’t worry, I’m not breaking up with you J

*Note*  If you’ve been held hostage by a team full of Sonny Bill Williams lookalikes, who want to feed you grapes all day (go you! – but please remove yourself from my dream) . . . . . then it is likely this blog will not apply to you. (For anyone outside of NZ, I suggest you google that name for an accurate mental pic).

If however, you are like a good portion of my clients, who tend to describe themselves as drab, frumpy, cartoonish, blobby – and other variations of all those negative descriptive words . . .

Then pay heed!

One of the reasons for your squidgyness (yes, I said ONE of the reasons . . . that means it’s not the only one . . . just a contributing one, an additional source of, a donator to the cause even . . . but not the only one) . . .

Is you ain’t dressing up all spunky like!

(I should state that Spunky is a NZism, possibly an Aussie-ism also, for being all funky and with-it, and having a bit of attitude that makes people want some of what you got).

So one of the things my weightloss clients do, usually fairly on in the piece, is do a wardrobe cull.

So here’s how I do it – but feel free to amp it up to make this work for you . . .

1.        Put on some music that makes you move like Jagger (minus the joobie lips that I recon would flap around in the wind like a dogs do, if he stuck his head out the car window).

2.       Have a wine – this is designed to be a little fun (if you’re like me and not much of a drinker, then this step is optional), and put on your flashest under-things (not so optional, unless you're into the free n breezy thing)

3.       Put on some make-up.  A'ha – I said ‘doll you’re face up a little’.  I’ve done this both with and without the pretty powdery stuff, and ya know what???   While everyone that knows me, will tell you I’m not a wear it all the time, or plaster it on type of gal . . . I find it makes a huge difference to the way I feel about myself . . . and to the way I feel in an outfit . . . so whadoyaknow – the stuff has it’s uses!

4.       Go through your wardrobe – and put everything that you recall wearing, that makes you feel less than a hot tamale, in a donation bag  (just because that item doesn’t do much for you, does not mean that someone else can’t do with it)

-          Oi,  don’t even think about trying them on again now to check!  You’ve worn them before and you’ve felt frumpy, don’t give them a chance to attack your self esteem any further, ditch them now!

5.       Have another wine (again optional, we’re not trying to turn you into a lush)

6.       Begin to try on your clothes – anything that’s too big, in the donation bag (you ain’t going to be needing those items again!)

7.       Move anything that’s too small to one side – you can try these clothes every couple of weeks or monthly to see which items you can now move into the ‘wearables’ side

8.       Now you can have a party with the clothes you have available – try new combinations, different jewellery and shoes with each – try and find two or three different ways of wearing each thing – I bet you’ll be surprised at what you come up with

9.       Call in your man and show off the new, more confident version of you

10.   Ummm – do what comes naturally . . .  

         yes, get him to take you out!

*Note Numero Deux*  (see you’re even beginning to talk all French and sophisticated) – this also applies to the clothes you wear to exercise in!!!

So, have you figured out my point??  Have ya?

Well my point (for those not quite so quick on the uptake) is, when you look good, no matter what you’re current size or state of fitness or health, you are more inclined to want to do things that make you feel even better, or you put more effort into feeling better . . .

So you do things like exercise more and eat healthier . . . or you exercise harder when you don’t wear your old daggy clothes . . . and while I don’t know if any scientifical studies have been done to prove this . . .

I have plenty of clients that can attest to my speaking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Sonny Bill

So, like some fashionista has said “don’t you be going nowhere without you’re mascara girl” – ok so they probably didn’t say it quite like that . . . but from now on, when you get up in the morning, do yourself a favour and put on the clothes and face that make you feel goooooood.

Oh, and just so we're not breaching anything, the mascara image I used in our pic came from asianscent.com - thanks ladesses :-)

Yo FAT - you a SIN!

Yo, you

Wots that you sayin! – you sayin if I’za fat then I don’t love ma Jesus?!

No, that’s not what I’za sayin! – because if you’re reacting like that, then you likely be a big mama, and Im slightly fearful of an ass-whippin.    

And if you’re saying it the way it just sounded in my head, then even being all the ways over in little ol New Zealand, ain’t gonna save me . . .

But, I shall continue, because I have something important to say dammit!

Fact # 1 mamapyjama is

 – this aint no religious blog  . . .  because it seems to me, no matter which religion you subscribe to, or whether you subscribe to one at all . . .

Your body is a pretty a-may-zing piece of machinery (even if it is currently in an abused state).  Yup, if you’re fat – I think in some way, you’re abusing your body . . .  oh, my lord, I can see your blood boiling from here!

OK sista, settle down . . .

Maybe you’ve tried lots of different things.  It may be you’re intentions are good, but due to misinformation, or the fact that you haven’t been taught how to accurately assess, if what you are trying is right for you, that it’s all gone face first in some pie.

Fact # 2 is

– whatever theory you subscribe to about how you came to be . . . you have everything at your disposal, to utilise your body the way (if you’re honest with yourself), it was intended. 

Yes, you was given legs to allow you to run and jump! – done any of that lately?  There’s plenty of healthy food around, and it takes just as much effort to get that, as it does to go down to McKFC or Wendys, or whatever else isn't actually nourishing you.

It doesn’t take much to honour your body with a little bit of movement and healthy food each day – now does it?!  (That is both a statement as in me making a point, and a question, because I want you to actually answer it)

So yes I am saying, FAT thinking  . . . as in ya gotta die of somethin, I wants to be enjoy me my life, not be worryin about all that disease and stuff

And, FAT eating . . . as in Im gonna eat whenever and whatever I want, my weight aint got nothing to do with that

And, FAT doing . . . as in Im gonna sit and watch tv as much and as long as I want, all that runnin around is for them sports kids

Is a SIN people – yup a sinny, sin, sin!!

So start treating your body like a temple – instead of just going someplace nice to worship, be someplace nice aswell, you do after all have you take YOU, everywhere YOU go.

Treat your body with the respect you treat your church, or if you don’t go to one, how you imagine you might treat something that demands a certain level of reverence.

If you’re confused, or feel you have tried everything, I’m only an email or a call away to rescue you – kinda like a Health 911, or 111 or whatever emergency number is – as long as you speak English or some version of it, Im good to go – yes, even if you’re American or Australian, we love you really.  Go on, do it . . .

Do it . . .

Do it . . .  call, or email – Ima here with your health bible ready to roll. . .  you’ll see if you look at www.healthcoaching.co.nz

Oh I had a final thought (thank cripes for that I hear ya sayin) – now, now mama taught you to be nice!  And this be what it is:

How are you going to answer if one of the questions at the pearly gates, or the 9^th house of whatever is

“Child, why did you not do for your body, and with your body, what I intended?”

LACK OF BOTTOM FABULOUSNESS

YOUR DIARY

Date - today

Weight – too bad to put in print

Boyfriends - 0

Initial thoughts about bottom – flabby, heading south at a ridiculous rate of knots, with dimples reminiscent of huge and grotesquely pitted orange.

Preferred thoughts about bottom – smooth as a babies, with the delicious firmness of a ripe peach.

What will make me feel better about my current lack of bottom fabulousness – a meal consisting entirely of chocolate and a bottle of red  . . .

for medicinal purposes only, as I am currently in need of feeding off – rather than fending off – my displeasure at my backsides alarmingly increasing girth . . .

 and drowning my disappointment in once again falling short of measuring up to – or should that be down to – Terri Hatcher.

NOTE TO SELF:    Why do I do this when I know I will afford myself an extra large helping of the guilts, post my extra large helping of indulgence, which in turn will lead to an additional depressive state of uninhibited consumption.  Wonder if heavenly thoughts on becoming a nun will negate feelings about bottom and desire for food.

FURTHER NOTE TO SELF:  100 sit ups and 1 hour of jogging required each day for the next 7 days to reverse the inevitable symptom of above consumption.

. . . . . . .

I once saw a write up about Bridget Jones that described her as a ‘fictional character whose inner dialogue includes a good deal of swearing and self doubt, intermingled with ruminations about needing a good shag’ - and I am going to add into that a self punisher, who is stuck on a neverending cycle of eat, workout to remove calories, eat, workout . . . . . . (well you get the picture).

And what's up with the fictional character??  not that I claim to be any sort of psychic or anything, but I know there are one or two of you out there thinking ‘thats me’ . . .                                                   I can see it in your eyes.

Are you a woman (or blokette so you don't feel snubbed) who is really good at whining about being unattractive (or handsome if you are the blokette) and unfit, rather than taking appropriate action??

Do you eat because you feel bad, then feel bad because of the eating so you exercise, then notice you still haven't gotten any fitter or slimmer (because really all you exercised for was to remove your last calorie load), so you feel bad . . . and binge . . .

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS . . .

Your exercise should be about improving health, fitness and quality of life . . . so you can keep up with the kids, haul a rock or two around the garden, spend the day remodelling your house, and looking more fabulous than the overly snobby tart down the road that refuses to acknowledge you

. . .  (no, I did not just say that about some non-existent person down the road, unless you have a recording, I will completely deny it!) . . . what I said was looking fabulous for yourself . . .

it should not be a punishment for excessive calorific consumption.  And sometimes, just sometimes . . .

if we exercise for these reasons, it can follow that we begin to eat for these reasons aswell . . .

Well now - ain't that grand . . .

Now go forth my pretties and begin to re-write your diary entries . . . I know you can